It's been a long time.

It has been more than a month since I posted something of worth in this blog. I've been such a bummer lately, sleeping late trying to bug myself with some school stuffs I obviously hate doing. So here I am, taking the opportunity to type my memories out on what happened to me during those hibernating times. And of course, this is in no particular order (as always). 


- I attended my friend's debut party. It was crazy, fun and not to mention very... musical. (boo the description. I know.) I saw friends and schoolmates I haven't seen for almost two years. I saw my crush back in highschool (I do hope he won't get to see this coz if he does, i'll be damned.). 


- I got to take 2 tablets of Kremil S in span of seven hours. (Just to say, antacids should be taken once a day ONLY. My poor stomach!). Blessed enough I didn't suffer from gastric irritation. However, I got hyped and all that very night that my friends concluded it was because of those antacids. Of course they're joking. :))


- I got a a grade of 2.0 on my major's midterms. I didn't get depressed, just regretful that I have always been careless when answering an exam. But I know I would be able to redeem myself on the finals!


- Mein Laptop war kaputt. Nasira yung laptop ko nung birthday ni Papa. I got so pissed I couldn't help but cry. huhuhuhu. My papers and projects are all there! My e-books! My movies! My ever beloved Minesweeper!  But I got guilty and felt remorse having to feel and think that way. I got so trivial once again and I did hate myself for that. I failed God that time. But I didn't dwell much on that fact. I gathered myself up and prayed afterwards, asking for His forgiveness that I became such a traveling cynic. 


Lesson learned: DO NOT PREOCCUPY YOURSELF WITH PETTY AND INCONSEQUENTIAL THINGS THAT WON'T DO ANYTHING BUT TO PISS YOU HARDCORE!


Well, well, well. This is it for know. I have other things to do. Goodbye!

Death means going back home.

Voila! this is my self-maid tomb. I made it almost half a year ago. This, together with my prose and poetry collection, was included in my book entitled Away with Light: A Midnight Reverie. Truth be told, it was actually a school project.


Upon doing this, I actually felt weird. No. The word weird doesn't even come close. Really. It's hella awkward that a 16-year-old girl was carefully planning her tomb. I have a lot of dreams to fulfill that the idea of me being so lifeless is a NO NO.


Back in the day I find death being so creepy. I hate thinking about it. Tombs. Silence. Still. Immobile. Breathless. And anything that goes with it. I was being pessimistic and obviously, ill-at ease with it. 


However, after some time, I learned to accept this fact. That  all of us would die and that there is no single organism that would be a subject of exemption. I came to a realization that death would be of no importance if you know you lived your life to the fullest. There would be no room for worries and questions.


And honestly, if death means that I would be reunited with my Father, I would nevertheless accept it. 

Just when I thought

“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk into darkness, but will have the light of life.”

When I was a child, I could say that I was so submissive when it comes to God. It may be because I grew up in a family who value God more than anything else. And so I have to conform to the faith that they have. I always go to Sunday service and join church activities. I was in high spirits whenever God is on the line. That’s why even though we moved to another place, which was far from the church, I tried all means to constantly worship Him. I was pleased and contented with what I was doing and even thought that I was ready to wholeheartedly give my life for the Lord.

After one year, we came back to our former house. I thought everything would go well now that I was back to my old church. But an unseen transformation happened. Because of i-don’t-know reasons, I turned away from God. It’s not that I became an atheist or something worst, it’s just that I barely see God as an important person in my life. My studies became my utmost priority. I let myself be preoccupied by the things that concerned me most. Hence, I paid no attention to the things that deserve my greatest attention. Despite my mother being so pushy just for me to go to church, I still skip Sunday services. And even if I had been successful in convincing myself to listen to the sermon, I always end up lost in thought. Though honestly, I didn’t mind it because I thought God would understand.

Things were getting out of hand. Even my attitude towards other people wasn’t that pleasing and my life became so monotonous and incorrigible that I get sick just by thinking about it. It’s as if I was just existing, not living. This went on for years. However, just when I thought I would be forever like that, someone from the church talked to me and shared her faith shamelessly.

And that’s when I decided to change. I know I should change. I have to. Or else I would end up miserable for the rest of my life.

But the problem was I didn’t know where to start. My guilt cranked up a notch. What if God won’t accept? I admit I was frightened by this idea. But I know if I won’t do anything, I would be lost again.

Fortunately, workers from the church have come to bless me. God convicted me through the people who were compassionate enough to introduce me to a life that is more meaningful. Slowly and spite of my resistance, God was peeling away layer after layer of wrong thinking, wrong values and wrong desires. Consequently, I became more open to the things that I have been ignoring for the past years. God gave me this life not to waste it but to use it for His ministry. It’s His grace, His mercy that motivated me to live my life differently. They said that if we truly trust ourselves to the Lord, we die t our old way of living. And I know I am no longer living for myself, I am now living for God. And I’m glad I was not too late.